PILGRIMAGE TO LOVE WITH ONESELF
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In the past 2 years I wrote two articles for the website of my dear friend Janitka.
Both articles somehow praised my past relationships, although I knew deep down they are heading to an end. I was just too scared to face such truth. Paradoxically, both relationships ended very shortly after publishing the articles. First one within 2 months, second one within 3 days!
It crossed my mind, that I should write a follow up, but the real strong impulse was an article of my friend Nina, which she shared with me yesterday ~ 1.1.2021.
She inspired me so much, that I felt like now is finally the right time for my own self-reflection of the past year 2020.
Before that, I have to summarise what I have been through in the previous two years…
The most impactful thing that have ever happened to me was losing my son Luchi Antoni 9 days after he was born. I am truly amazed, that I can say today, it doesn’t hurt anymore. It is a loving memory of the biggest love I have EVER felt towards a being I created, to the miracle of life, to the biggest gift life ever gave me. I feel INCREDIBLY grateful for this experience. It made me SO MUCH better person, it made me see what I would never see, it helped me grow.
However 2018 was the hardest year of my life. I thought I will never overcome the pain. I even had suicidal thoughts. Everything seemed insignificant in comparison to that immense sorrow of creating a human being growing inside of my body, gaving him birth and then loosing part of myself with him, that will never be replaced.
What made this whole experience even harder was the fact, that his father lived in Peru, I felt INCREDIBLY alone and without support I needed from him. When I shared my needs, he broke up with me.
Now I have to say, that I am very grateful for it. I wasn’t strong enough to do it, but it was necessary, because the relationship was very pathological in million ways. At the same time it was a MASSIVE and valuable lesson.
I was so down, fragile and broken into pieces, that when new man appeared in my life, who intensively worshiped and adored me like a goddess, it was like a dream, like a balsam for my broken heart and soul thirsty for love.
Something like this never happened to me before. He did thousands of lavish and pompous gestures for me, gave me gifts, keys of his flat after 1 week, took me for vacations, spoke about children and wedding, introduced me to his family….. all this made me totally blinded towards the reality, that we are absolutely incompatible with almost contrary values. When some signals were too strong to ignore, I just lied to myself in blind belief, that “I already suffered enough, and the universe would not allow more suffering in my life.”
BUT the universe doesn’t work like this! It only gives LESSONS until you learn. Most of all, learn to truly love yourself. And I obviously haven’t learned that back then…
I glorified this relationship in my second article and I had the need to share with the world, that after big pain, there is big love waiting for you.
He broke up with me 3 days after the publishing – through whatsapp and for totally absurd reason. The article was published 13th April 2019, one year after my son died and the same day when I did the vernissage of very special “MotherHood” art exhibition I dedicated to him.
What happened next? I fall in love again. With a “hippie shaman” who I have met due to millions of unbelievable synchronicities in an airport queue in Cusco, Peru. Our conversation, which lasted only few minutes, was enough to mutually and madly fall in love and him buying me an air ticket to San Francisco. It was like we knew each other since always. Like meeting an old friend. All was so intense, unbelievable and overwhelming, that my friend, documentarist Jana Počtová wanted me for her documentary about relationships “Happily ever after”. We even filmed few episodes.
Nevertheless, although I was very charmed by so many magical circumstances under which we have met and by the fact, that we are soulmates and he is a great man, I could not ignore the fact, that we want different things in life. Most of all, I am ready to settle down and have a family (after being wild free spirit for years) and he is old bohemian, who can’t imagine such thing.
After all that I have been through I need a true strong and solid support. Not someone with who I will be hoping he might change. People don’t change. Especially not after 50. However, we remained friends and I am sure we always will be.
And now? Now I am single. And I have been through times of loneliness and depression during 2020, especially through the lockdown. I felt like I am the only single person out of all my friends. That people are either in relationship, not interested or fake. That I am too old, heading to 40 and my only hope is to have a child with my gay best friend.
Since I already experienced how truly incredible miracle it is to be a mother, to create a human being, I started to feel strong desire to experience it again, this time with someone who will truly love me and be my unconditional support. I went through many phases of feeling down and lonely until some kind of shift happened!
First of all, I created sequel of my art exhibition MotherHood.
This time it wasn’t only my art therapy, it was therapeutic in much wider aspect. It took place during the 9 darkest days of the year – since Saint Lucia 13th December until the Winter Solstice 21st December 2020. Saint Lucia is the patron of light, hope and also childbirth and I wanted to bring light into darkness with my art ~ to all the women who might go through the same thing.
I depicted many women who naturally conceived after 40 and several of them met the father of their child around 39. Also many special women who became mothers despite seemingly incurable diagnoses of infertility…
The exhibition was a big psychomagical act, however I intuitively decided to do a ritual and little personal “pilgrimage” at the same time. I walked so far 10 times for over 14 km (twice even over 20) from my house to Lysolaje, where is “miraculous well” and a pond filled with its magical healing water. I did there each time cold water swim (it was about 2°C) and cleansed my body and soul. I did also meditation in the water, activating the water molecules due to the law of quantum physics (see Dr. Masaru Emoto), I did Wim Hof breathing exercises, days of fasting and detox…
I started to feel how my body is amazing and strong. I felt literally euphoria after each cold swim. I felt pure! Born again! ALIVE!
And suddenly something changed inside of me. I realized incredible thing; the longer I will be single the better! BUT ONLY if I will use this precious time to continue on this path! ONLY if I will use it to work on being a better person. And specially to cultivate my self-love and self-respect. The better, stronger and more authentic person I will become, the more likely I will attract the same. Because you are a MIRROR! YOU ATTRACT WHAT YOU ARE AND HOW YOU FEEL!
ONLY after such self-cultivation I won’t have in my life people with complexes, severe health and mental issues, manipulation, sadism, abuse, humiliation, cheating…. Pathological people I am trying to save, heal, change… ending up only exhausted, frustrated, doubting my self-worth and sanity.
Now I know, that all the shit that happened to me is nobody’s fault, ONLY MINE. I did it to myself, I ALLOWED it in my life! But it was valuable lesson I am very much grateful for. It was necessary. To learn, to grow!
So yes, I am single. I don’t even have a crush for the first time in AGES! And I just realized how wonderful opportunity it is. To continue on my “spiritual pilgrimage”, which I started during the 9 darkest days of the year 2020…
Pilgrimage of love for life, universe and most importantly ~ for oneself.
With gratitude to all I have been through until today.
Thank you ♡